Sunday, September 30, 2007

Traffic Jam Epiphany

Since I have been so busy with other matters lately, I have been neglectful of this blog to my ultimate shame. Now, since the other issue has been completely resolved, or has it, I can once again dedicate myself to what it is I actually enjoy doing, which is writing for the pleasure of writing as well as for your entertainment.

Now don’t think for even a moment that I didn’t enjoy writing every single word which I dedicated my time to writing in recent weeks. But that was done for the most part out of a need to rally the troops in loyalty. Sadly some of those troops don’t understand the word loyalty.

But that is something for yet another blog. This is more about how I feel at the moment. And that of course, if you are keeping score, is related to the subject of disloyalty of the aforementioned troops which is as stated the fodder for another blog at some future date.

The only significant result of that writing was to give the administration of Quest Diagnostics, legal, human resources and possibly the company psychologist something to do with their time which was considerable according to my tracking software.

But when you spend something on the order of half a million dollars of DXG Stock Investor money on Union Busting Satanic Carpet Bagger Whores, I ask you, what is a few dozen hours at a computer terminal, at non union executive rate pay reading virtually everything which I have ever posted.

In reality, the money which you just screwed us out of can be used to subsidize that unbudgeted expense. Actually now that I think about it I would imagine that corporate would budget for such a thing. And with good reason you might want to calculate the next drive.

Hello Carpet Baggers, this is Quest Diagnostics, we have another situation.

Please don’t think that I am complaining about you reading my writing because I am not. I truly appreciate that you think enough of what I have to say to a worldwide audience that you would take time out of your day to tune in to this blog or any other blog I post on.

But this is a blog about getting back to the world as I have become accustomed to it being and clearly remaining for some time to come. So let me offer for your reading entertainment something which I composed in the attic of my skull while doing the job which by the way, for the moment, is still a non union job.

I present to you what is now a very appropriate article for me at this time. I hope that it makes you laugh. Even if it doesn’t make you laugh it might give you just a little bit of insight into the soul of the person you just burned. It is the soul of someone who lives with a totally fractured multiple personality issue brought about by years of emotional and psychological child rape.

The article is the result of the thought patterns of the child who stood upon the pedestrian overpass which at twelve years of age he would often visit in contemplation of his life and exactly how and when it would end. It is the writing of the same person who now drives under that overpass each day of the week in his now still non union job.

I here offer you an old writing titled “Traffic Jam Epiphany.”

Recently I found myself in my typical routine of being stuck in a late afternoon traffic jam. At the precise moment that I reached my level 4 aggravation mode, the “I can’t take much more of this, can it get any worse” mode, it got worse. Blaring from the six speaker stereo system emanated the dreadfully happy sound of the Starland Vocal Band singing their big 70’s hit “Afternoon Delight.”

On a good day “Afternoon Delight” is certainly no delight. Actually an afternoon delight is just fine with me, but as it relates to the song, no thanks. Considering at that moment my view was the back of an inter-modal tractor trailer bringing yet one more load of Red Chinese, slave labor manufactured, American economy destroying, goods for the penny wise pound foolish American consumer, my afternoon delight level was just a little south of “delightful.”

It was at about this moment in time that my “traffic jam epiphany” occurred. As if a bright light from above shown down upon me, I understood what few dare think about until that special moment arises. I considered the notion, what the common man really needs is a guide. No, I am not talking about a map of New Jersey’s highways and byways. What he needs is a guide to writing a good suicide note.

After all, when you reach the end of your rope you don’t want to go out leaving loved ones and bill collectors wondering what went so terribly wrong in your pathetic life. When the State Police pull you from the wreckage “Afternoon Delight” will no longer be playing and they might not understand the circumstances surrounding your demise.

In order to expedite their investigation you might have had the consideration in your final moments to scrawl on a piece of scrap paper the words “Starland Vocal Band.”

At the very least by such action you will have bequeathed to the State’s overburdened tax payers the expense of a lengthy police investigation. Yours will, after all, not have been the first Starland Vocal Band induced suicide. They will simply chalk off your demise as a self induced death related to incredibly annoying music. Case closed.

My epiphany revealed to me that when people are planning to “check out” they have more important things to think about than composing a good suicide note. Considering you are saying goodbye to the world a suicide note is something which should not be written in haste. Advance planning is important but who has the time?

A good suicide note should reflect the person who you were. It should paint you in a good light. It should not be something which gives people the impression that you were simply one of life’s many regrettable losers.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone skilled at writing, produce suicide notes for all occasions? All the individual would have to do is select the note from the appropriate category i.e. bad marriage, financial problems, health issues or any of the myriad other ostensibly good reasons for ending it all.

Visiting a trendy card shop I noted that popular greeting card companies make great cards for many occasions. But I have never been able to find a really well written suicide card. The thought occurred that this is a clearly under represented market. Someone with the right financial backing could do very well in such a venture.

Perhaps one of the better known and well established card brands might, in view of current lack of market share in suicide cards, consider developing this under represented segment of the marketplace of specialty cards. It is such a good market that I might consider getting into the field myself. I think that it would work well with the concept of the book of advance suicide notes.

Another area which might do well is the suicide note gift book. It would out of necessity be a specialty order item which would have the recipients name pre printed on the individual notes. People pay a premium for such custom products. I remember how excited I was when my mom gave me a box of pencils with my name embossed when I was in the third grade. It is a fact that people appreciate a gift with their name on it.

You will be the person whom they remember when they think about their many friends. It will give you the chance to show your thoughtfulness by having their name printed ahead of time saving them the trouble. It would also serve as a good way to suggest that you wish that they would “off” them self. It is a real win, win situation.

All of this conceptualization is the result of the broadcast of one song. Perhaps I will do a google search to locate the person who wrote that song so that I might send along one of the first copies of the book of advance written and pre signed suicide notes for all occasions.

Now, what shall I name the book? Suicide Notes For The Busy Businessman? Witty Ways To Say Goodbye? Short Notes For Short Ropes? Saying Goodbye Made Easy? Love Means Never Having To Write A Suicide Note? Well, I’ll come up with something. Right now I have to write a suicide note. No, not mine silly, but maybe yours.

Keep an eye out for the book. I don’t know when I’ll get it done. It’s not like I have to kill myself over the book. Suicide notes are far too important to rush. Those final words need to be just right. Writing a suicide note for someone else is very serious business.

I wonder if I can take this public. How does one start an I.P.O. for death? What stock exchange shall I list it on? Maybe I can go international with this. After all, suicide is a big market. With all of the problems in the world it might even be a growth industry.

Remember, death is absolute it is not like golf, there is no mulligan. Think about it before you pull the trigger. It really isn’t all that bad. Your problem likely is nothing that a good blast of Scotch Whiskey can’t fix.

If though, you are intent on doing the deed, at least wait until I get the book into production. That way I can make a fast buck off of your departure to points unknown. So, until we meet again have a good life or at the very least a convenient death.

Freedom of Speech or Death
Snake Oil Sam
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